just few hours more..then i would be gone...

hysterics....goes practical.....and need a change(Radical)

and..goes has finally listened to me...this time its like magic..and for the last time i m sharing something to outer world..and after this post i will shut down this blog...

as i told..and the regular visitors know that i again did something which turned her off..now what?

yes..after trying hard...i decided to give it a try one more time...and night before doing that, i prayed hard to god, saying..give me last chance..and i wont ask for a another as i w ont do anything which can again take me back to grave. and as a miracle, next day..something persuaded me, off course i am obsessed with her, and i aproached her again..and she replied..and i opened up myself..evry emotional experiecen i went through since these past weeks..and i want to change for a better..maybe perfect but before that i would try for better...so she wascold in her replies as i feel that she was busy and obviously its not easy for anyone to start over any broken realtion from anywhere..but it was enough for me..i thougth i got my life back..and so i dont want to do anything stupid..so i m looking for a change...a positive change which can bring her to me..in my life forever..and this time i want to give meaning to this word forever..

i want to and i have to restructure my ruptured life..which could be better i nevery terms..i have the resources which i can utilise and then climb to the stirs which can take me to hr..and bring a satisfactions in my family who has been living a stressed life just because of me...its time to commit..to make a commitment to myself ///

its not possible for me to disclose the deatils..but i have start working on it..seems like a fairy tale to me..but i have not other option to make it...its final..it will be "US"...after one year...

please wish that i stay at hard work..and bring back smiles on the faces whom i have stressed a lot..

Hysteric on the Tour,,,,soon

I have always thought of going on a world tour, but at this age and so much busy schedule its not possible, also since i m single and want to make it a honeymoon on world tour so that dream will take time..whatever...i am gonna on a tour to her city..this December...why so..and how so????

I dont know why if this is a rule that, when u start loving a person then you start loving everything attached to it...her hairstyle,,her country..language, tradition..songs..recipe.. everything and everything whatever touches her life..

so just going with that feeling i m gonna visit her town..not her(this time)...i have been engaged gathering the information regarding the visa..and how much money do it need to have for all the expense..my business is blooming slowly..and i know..i will make it..to touch that land where she walks...to touch that water which she tastes..to breathe that air which she breathes...and that would surely take me much near to her...

Time to go out of imagination..and feel it in real....Thanks GOD!

I am happy...and positive...

Its funny..how the emotions changes us..some hours ago I went to sleep for 4 hours in afternoon just to get rid of the fever of "HER". Thats unavoidable but can have ways to prevent it or divert that thing as such I am really not in mood of making nay compromise on her. Now what really happened. I would like to share this small experiment I have done. Its not magic, can say science but most people wont believe it.

i watched this documentary called "the Secret". i was searching for some movies which have some meaning. So randomly i went to one web page where there was a list of movies who are seems to be "meaningfull" and most of them were already seen by me and that gave me a feeling of being an intellectual)))). Now there I find "The Secret", i read the summary and by that it doesn't seems like a documentary kind of thing. so i just downloaded it ..and when i start watching it i was shocked and surpsied. two things at a time..i try to do that always.


Now what ths shock and what the surprise?

Shock was that it was about the concept of positive thinking and magnetic files which controls the way our life go. I have already studied lot about that but initially i thought that it was the literature produced but some freak trying to justify his freakiness. This theory states that every thing going around us is a result of the way we think. both positive nad negative and it says that the more you concentrate about something the more are the chances that it will happen the way you want. wowowow...now some month sago i tried this on my neighbors. she was a hotty..so that book was about seducing through the mind control. So i used to do think about her and the nasty thoughts just to seduce her. But i didn't get any result because i was really not interested on her and i didn't practice that for long...anyway..this movie is different from that book..and have may intellectuals professing about the power of positive thinking...and that makes me happy...you all can guess why...I GOT THE KEY!

last night i made a statement on twitter that" I have a strong belief someday god would come to me saying" hell, you frustrate me a lot, you are a pain in the ass..tell me what do you want..."

I was really serious making that tweet...and so it seems positive thinking has start working....maybe this will change my life..and the way i look at life...Hope you all get the point..if not, then go and watch that movie.."The Secret"..


ALL THE BEST...

Still its her..in my mind...

its been just two weeks since that day when I have did that stupid act and lost her. So many emotions have gone through my mind, sometimes suicidal, sometimes eccentric and sometimes pain. But I am better now and can control myself to greater extent. Doesnt matter how much control I have over myself, some moments when it feels too lone to live without her I feel like crying and punching that wall on my terrace. I feel like standing on the roof top and scream hard to god so that he can listen to me. I dont have many aspirations and even those few aspirations revolve around her. I have lost my sun around which I want to make my universe. And after thinking hard and getting mad for all the nonsense reasons and resolutions I have to face the truth that she doesnt need me..so for what fuck I am thinking about her.

With her, I have lost myself, and it seems I dont want anything now as I never wanted anything but to be happy and she was the only happiness I needed. So its the End..but I am still living as this life is to live..and as I always said, HOPE never dies..

Just one among the crowd

I always complain about certain things in society which are just unacceptable to me. Not just me but to every common man and I used to separate myself from that crowd of a common man by trying to get involved in the things at least if they occur in front of my eyes. Never ever i done that..just thought.

Today just one hour back I was on the way to somewhere when I saw the van of the police. Though these assholes can be seen anywhere roaming around the wine shop and parks. Well, if it is in a residential area then its really a big deal and so it was a matter of curiosity as that area was also residential. People love doing this, giving their ears at least to the incident tha happens around these uniformed dogs. But here many got a relief from their work just for witnessing the things which must be a shame on any society, The policeman was holding the hand of a kid maybe around 9-10 years old. He was dark but the tears and fear has changed that color to bit red. He might have tried to steal from those apartment, maybe bicycle or clothes.

But that boy was caught and handed over to police. And the police might call up the parents else will held him inside the locker for few days as it was a registered case. Was that the best solution for the case and that kid?
everybody feel no. me too..but what we have done for that no..nothing?..yeah right..nothing..

so I again got the feeling that I am no more the person I used to be, less i used to try earlier, But there i was just among those head and ears who just wanted to be updated about the incident so that they can share that with 100 other ears.

That kid is just one of the millions kid who dont have access to schools or basic facilities which deprive them of their childhood and for the survival they are left with no choice but steal as thats the most easy way and they dont know the value of hard work. But how can we blame them for having kn sense about such moral if they dont have access to schools and education..no way..they will pass their childhood collecting the empty wine bottles and stealing.

Gotta stop it..I know how..but i m dead to act..

I'AM SO LOST WITHOUT YOU....

Dedicated to her...iHOPE SHE FORGIVE ME...AGAIN!

The most idle time I have ever spent....I QUIT

Usually people ask me how am I doing, I just tell them its good...and when they say what are you doing,,I say I am working "hard" these days and the things will get better soon. Honestly speaking, last two months have been the worst part of my life as I did nothing to change something the way my life is. Even then i say that I am trying hard and to her also. 

In past two years I have done too much hard work, thats true, but some wronf decisions and badluck didnt let the things happen the way we expected. It happens usually and I accept that thing but I have a satisfaction that I did try hard in those opposite times. Now in the last two years I feel like a rock sitting at the top of a cliff which is immovable by itself and also nobody is there to move or displace it. yeah,  i have been jogging well and that has given me relief n terms of physical aspect. It seems, I have lost the power and will to work hard, maybe becaue of the failures and it show how weak I am, failure is a part of everybody's life  but I feel, i 

have already said "I QUIT" to life. and frankly speaking I see no more that 2 years, in fact even not 2 years completely in the future. I dont know why i feel so sick, so much down and being useless.  

anyway, I have planned a visit to her place(not with her), and hope I could make the fund for that tour.

Am I wrong?....Yes I am....

I don't have many visitors here, but i don't care about that, but in case if there is any regular visitor than he or she might be thinking what kind of rollercoatser is my mind...

Yeah, I think too much, she said and I also feel. Maybe i try to look at the different angles to judge myself and my thoughts. In general cases this"angle analysis" is the responsibility of every person other than you. You just do sometime and hundred minds start working analyzing your act. 100 minds 100 angles, but a single act.

In my case, One mind, 100 acts for a situation and 100 angles for every act.. ..that goes something like this 1x100x100....mathematically, which doesn't have any logic.

Now what happened this time...?

Yesterday suddenly a thought came in my mind....as usuall..about her..

but this time it was in her favor..moreover against myself,,.

How can we impose out feelings and thus the aspirations associated with them on someone's life?

Stupid..yeah I am...no doubt on that..I always said that I love her and she is the last girl with whom I have ever wanted to have a life under one roof..2-3 little beautiful kids..a simple job..a small farm, a small car..a wineyard..and some cows....something like that...Anyway the truth is SHE DOESNT WANT ME IN HER LIFE AS A PARTNER. I know that honestly, and she has told me many times, I accept that but then I ignore that as I impose my feelings on her. I still want to give a try against her wish. It seems I want to mold her life that way I want it to be. Maybe she has some simple dreams or some European luxury in her mind but I dont care about that and want to give her a life the way I want. This is totally a selfish aspect of my feelings for her. I dont remember if I have ever tried to impose my feelings or decision on someone. oh yeah,,I do..Once when  I was the monitor of my class during my college days, I imposed a decision on my classmates and got ignorance as backlash, even those people really loved me. whatever...

Doesn't matter if my feelings are true or not..The way I want to go against her wish and try for whatever dreams i have planted in my mind, it speaks I am selfish to think about only my life, my love, my feelings,,bla bla bla bla....

I think I should wait for her first and then start planting the dreams..till then I am working on something related to her..I know how to keep myself attached and indulged with her(thoughts)

Blind journey.....

This is dedicated to those thoughts of mine who feels that "WE" have a future under one roof. I have nearly accepted the truth but still I dont know why my senses urges me to give it a fight and though even she is totally not into me,

to be continued tomorrow

Another chance....

I read this statement somewhere on FB. it said "There is no second chance if you cant learn from the previous mistakes"

Very strong one- I agree but I am totally against it.
We are humans prone to mistakes we usually commit on the flow of our emotions which are not so easy for anyone to control, especially me!

I know I had many chances from her to not repeat that thing again, but I do repeat that again.

Strongly I feel, and she might have noticed, that I have got better not perfect with the time and every time it happens I turn to be a better person than earlier I used to be. I am not those strong movies guys who can turn around the things overnight. Being a slow distracted person, I am quiet slow on learning the things but I am really committed to be a better person whom she can trust.

I still hope for a revival though she has closed every door for me to return to her. And she never done that, maybe I was too much furious this time, so that means I am also getting too much eccentric with every pass. Hope my assumption is wrong and we  make it again.

she said: "Always have a chance", so I am relying on that and marching on towards her, she was 1000 days away, now its 999 days JUST.

Day First without you..i was nearly dead

I never had such night, the one I had yesterday...I cant explain the sleep and the experiences I had in those 8 hours.

I was senseless,, only she was there in my thoughts and I had an urgent work to do for my client but I wasn't able to concentrate on anything, so went for a therapy called "take a sleep and forget everything". I havent used it since a long time but whenever I used, it helped me very effectively to overcome such situations when I am broken,

So I slept early around 9 pm, with an alarm of 2:00am. and i fell asleep 15 times in just one hours and I was feelig the illussions and dreams I was watching. I couldnt differentiate whats real and whats illussion. And she was there everytwhere in my dreams. I dont see much dreams of her but yesterday it was different, we were talking about what went wrong, she was consoling me while I was laying in her lap. O GOD! MAKE IT HAPPEN >>PLZZZZ..

I heard the alarm on the very first ring, it seems I wasnt sleeping at all. Then I sat on my table and draw few lines bu then again..still I felt her fever, I felt like I was in cage and restless, So i went inside bathroom and took a bath with. It was cold and litle relaxed, then I again i sat on table..and draw few lines,,but couldn't control my mind to see the things beside her..it was like the last day of my life...

i quit and went to bed,,and fighting with the dreams i passed that night...I will never ever forget this day...and so her...

And again.....I fucked myself

At this moment when I am writing this,,,I feel the best way to kill this pain is just to HUG the DEATH.

I would be stupid to do that, how can I die for a girl.

somedays back i wrote that we are talking again, and I felt a fear that I would lose her, and so it has happened again. Really this time, I fucked hard myself. I can see myself going mad and behaving like a current. And again it has proved that she is right to call me a hysteric...true...

its really funny to see the colors of life, today I have got two deals for my startup business. and on the other side I again lost the most precious thing of my life. I really cant afford to win her back again. She was so decent this time. and my fear killed me. Now the time is running hard..i really dont know what to do. How can I make her to be in my life?

I am alive just because of my parents, else this life doesn't interest me anymore.  Many times I imagine my future with her, laughing and smiling ,kissing and making love. But then I realize how is that possible she doesn't have a little bit feeling for me.  I have lost any attraction to money, sex and other affairs.. Thats why most of the time its hard to imagine my future.

I m screwed, though the only way for me is to get over the situation and play for the future and for may family.   but that also doesnt look good to me as she is not there in the picture.

anyway....if u can just suggest me something..Thanks in advance...

Completely Half..

I love that girl but i would never ever let her know that. I will be just her freind forever as she would get hurt and get disturb if she knows about my feelings.-  WHAT THE FUCK! is that...

I tried hard..so many times with her...in my case..she knows that I have sort of shit called love for her..This time as I said that everything had been good till I fake that I am a very good friend of her. I know I am not the only one who is facing such situation, but i really dont know how they control their emotions especially when that person is the only love of ur life(beside ur family)..oh god..i fee like crap when i get so emotional..

now, this one is I have written just the night before getting hysteric this time...not actually hysteric..but we usually call this situation when the things get out of hand....

Completely half…..

Just few hours ago there was some life around,

Indulging with smiles, jokes and thoughts of each other,

Apparently it doesn’t take long to feel the death now.

Even we don’t share the best we had for each other,

Anyway, magic works and so we continue to flourish,

Seconds, minutes or hours can’t quantify those moments.

Even I feel satisfaction for whatever I have from her,

It would be faking if I express my happiness as pure,

Yeah, there is a price I pay to have this time with her.

While with her, it’s not completely me and my thoughts,

They are just half of what I am and what I feel for her,

Smiling from the surface, my other half cries from beneath.

So what if I live by keeping aside the half of what I have,

And I never care about the things which only disturbs her,

Even if I pretend with that smile, I surely miss my half.

And sometimes, he comes out from somewhere in front,

And there he shows what I am and what I want from her,

Creates the chaos, and shatter everything within moments.

I don’t know what to call him, and how can I name myself,

As she is the one who suffers most because of him,

So going through the nature of a mad wave, she calls him hysteric.

Being a problem, I can’t find a solution but only death,

But she has done what I couldn’t expect from any person,

As she has got used to, she knows how to calm him down.

At the moment its me and my other half altogether,

I thank her for being with me in those hard times,

Even I couldn’t bear myself, she bears me as a whole. 

If tomorrow comes.

As a confused person I cant expect anything from myself. While enjoying the best days of my I have found a way to screw it. I know how to create mess of anything beautiful going on. And again for now, I am on the way t o do that just the way I have done in the past but I will try my best to not let it happen by my own.

I have her friendship, her time, her company, so what the fuck I need from her. FUCK??..NO!!!!

This time my sentiments have promoted themselves in term of cause...that says they have become more matured and now care for much bigger things. They don't care about shit called LOVE..SEX...FUTURE..and other such stupid things..The only thing I care is her. I care about the way we are. We are talking, I am happy and want to remain same. Future is unpredictable, I hope it is far better than today,, but what if we don't have anything in future...?.. that's what bite my ass constantly..I dont want to lose her...I want best for her..and if her best is to get apart from me..then FUCK the destiny..I ACCEPT THAT!

Summer Again....

I really dont understand how these situations changes..so many up and downs I see in a single day....sometimes I feel god is playing only with me.... few days ago I felt that I have lost her forever..but then again my hysteric nature took me to disturb her again..and this time luckily i found her in good mood..she retracted that she needs peace in her life..and I feel..like every person has some issues to deal with in their personal life according to the priorities and in her case I created a lot problem for her.

If I have those feelings for her..then its my own problem and she has nothing to do with that...so why should i bother her for each and every emotion I undergo just because I am in love with her...

Anyway..this time its different the way we are talking..its just like the old times...I love this time...I really don't expect her to behave the way I want her to be..but she is just like  her own..as I have found my mistakes which i have been committing each and every time that brought bitterness in our relation....I hate this love thing..I just want her to be  happy and smiling..(with me)))))..

For now...for me..its summer again..and till now I m really doing good..she has always been good...and I hope I wont create any mess this time..and leave everything on god without any expectations but HOPE.

As Usual...

She knows how much I am obsessed with her. And I know she doesnt like me. sometimes just for hope i mean 1 in 1000 times I feel she has some feelings for me(THAT'S MY RIGHT TO THINK)...I know we are just opposite. We have different tastes. We shared a very good bonding in the beginning but I think that was just general taste which is common to most of the general people. Then as the time passed on we faced the things in which we had very different opinion but that wasn't reason behind our fights and confusions and most of the times I was on the wrong side. MOREOVER, I see myself as no match to her personality though I don't believe in the importance of looks but on this part I would contradict myself.

We are separated by communication and time. She is always busy with her work, just like any common worker, while I am always free to disturb her, doesn't matter how much busy I am. Thats my obsession with her. She doesnt talk to me unless she is busy or on good mood and that angers me a lot. But I am really stupid to expect the same behaviour from her. She is not bound to behave the way I want. She has her life, her time, her likes and dislikes and nobody can interfere on that and tell her what and how to do. But just like a dog's tail i try to do all these everytime I talk to her..dont know WHYYYYYYY

so we are talking again, and again it started like nothing had happened before. I know it would be shotlived as again we will get a reason to have argument which will initaite me to get hysterics and then disturb her a lot and then try to forget her and while doing that i make some promise which I will never keep. Why does this happen..why we cant be like two good talking people..why is it that when it comes to her i cant control myself. I do something which I know that it would definitely anger her and then beg from forgiveness from her. WHYYYYYYY

This time we  talked for just one day, then she got busy...and when she got free I spoiled her mood by doing what she doesnt like. Then she gave a half statement but not any reason behind that..she always have this habit. That turned me curious..and I felt that I started showing the symptoms of being hysteric again...anyway..its not over yet..I hope I divert myself to some better work..maybe my studies..WILL SEE..AS USUAL

Sorry father...I let u down ...again.

This is  dedicated to my father...whom i respect and love a lot but we never shared a good chemistry and dialogues. We both are alike when it come to attitude..and completely opposite when it comes to views.


recently I have shown a behaviour which I couldn't control but I think that mustn't be expected in such relation. 




Sorry Papa...


I remember many moments which I could control,
and its like plucking a flower which cant be restored,
not blaming you, I am the only one who is responsible,


Not too good we talked ever since the beginning,
still you cared about me the best way it could be,
but I never gave you much reasons to feel proud of me.


I know how you attached your dream with me,
to see me shinning someday holding your name,
so far it seems I have failed you and all your efforts.


Wanted to confess to you something I never did,
about your expectations, I always knew,
but something turned me selfish to forget it.


Master for others and amateur for you,
but I cant walk on the path away from you,
accept me with my failures and give me chance.


I know its still time to turn the things around,
I can fight for what you dreamt me to become,
only if you keep alive your confidence and hope.


I never looked at your pocket for myself,
just need  around me the warmth of those arms,
while you say "son, lets bygones be bygones".

And I fall again....

This is for my latest attempt to get in talk with her...I didn't want to ..she was there..and i tried hard to ignore her...get myself engaged in some thing..but again my sensed took me to her..and i tried talking to her. and again i end up as a frustrated dog trying to climb a pole.....





All the reasons were there with me,
not a single one was in favor of this,
but how can i turn my back to my destiny,
so for now it seems like a far away galaxy.


those shinning curls took my eyes to you,
and I know its not the direction where i view,
there came desires and some arguments,
finally ignoring all the arguments, heart ruled.


With usual optimistic steps I marched towards,
with empty hands, I didnt have anything to present,
but a small hope and will to see her again,
took me away from backyard to her front.


continuing the trend she was a silent beauty,
while I was like a barking stalker without dignity,
and within few moments it turned to agony,
showed me the way back to the backyard.


realizing that arguments were right again,
the reasons from the heart were just lame,
it feels if I fell from the sky I tried to climb again.
its not far, just separated by a gap of a conversation.

I am sorry papa....

Not so many things can hurt me that much deep. but some of my own actions let me down. I always love and respect my parents but I think my ego or attitude has impacted me this time. Its not a very uncommon thing when my parent yell at me because of my job. I know I have broken their dreams. I wont go into the detail. But I am sole responsible for the condition in which I am living today. But I am still in the fight to prove myself right and get things on track so that my parent would feel proud of me someday soon.


Yesterday was a usual day, and when I returned back to home, my father was sitting with his laptop and ready to fire at me because of a little mistake-cum-confusion. He yelled at me in his usual way. But dont know what drove me that much crazy that I got ready to move out of the house permanently. I told my sister to find me a bag and then she told it to ma. Then started the family drama. I was stonecold for the whole time. Tears were on the flow(not mine). My father was hearing everything but he acted if he didnt hear anything. So moments later I settled down and was sitting on sofa. Father came from the room and told me what happened. Nobody said anything. Then he yelled at me for leaving the home. AND THATS IT.


Then I again started thinking about all the things and realized that for the whole time. He never told me to leave the home. He knew that I wanted to leave the home but he didnt said anything about that. And while I was arguing with my Ma and sister in the room, he was all silent. It was like that he didnt want to see himself stopping me from leaving the house though he want to do that. My father is a proud man just like any proud person. He has made his status by his own hard work and a MAN character, I never seen him bending on knees in front of someone for anything. And this time also, he couldnt though he wanted to. Next day, he asked my sister if he said anything wrong which urged me to take that action. That means a lot to me. I never saw my father regretting about his actions but today he was on doubt. That make to feel shame on myself. I am not a good person, but I never thought about being a bad son. 


We never share feelings...we never open our hearts but only when we are angry.


So papa I am sorry for behaving like an asshole, and I would not repeat that again, And I will look forward to make you feel proud of me.  Someday soon.....

Continued...about all of that money and life thing...

I think its over two months since I wrote that bullshit about money, wealth, god, life and such things. I dont get many visitors here and those few also I think never take such thing seriously. Anyway, I again went through the whole post and felt that today still I have same view ..so for now I am good as there is nobody to propose a light over the matter. I dont want to be superior but such discussions open our mind to life and its aspects and the role of God in our life. So I am still waiting for one such healthy discussion(not debate)...Are you the one?

100 days since you....

Nothing has changed the way we thought it should have,
maybe not enough brave I am, to look for some change,
and after hundred days I am sitting in the same bench.


So many times we fought to come over my emotions,
and its strange how that has become your problem,
and the way we applied the logics to bring back the wisdom.


Sky is still there, while clouds come and disappear,
the way I am still here while people come and go,
even tried but couldnt find someone having ur shadow.


I have been passing the days trying to be insane,
to forget everything which connects me and you,
and I am not sure till when I could continue.


Sometimes I try to forget you look for porn,
and sometimes I try to find a way back to you,
never been so confused so concrete about something.


100 reason I have given myself to curse you,
while 1000 came along to curse myself for everything,
but no reason I found to quit the way we were used to be.


The present is not perfect but past inspires me a lot,
so many times we fight and tried to quit each other,
even after several "OFFS" something bring back us "ON"


This time again we have make a promise to quit,
and so far i have kept it well to break in future,
by nature I never hesitate to break such things,


Its hard to give excuse when things are clear,
and I always looked for those to have a chance,
to have some moments and control them forever.


Not optimistic from your side, I will count on my luck,
tomorrow itself we may encounter each other somewhere,
hope and walk, living with a promise to bear.


Maybe whatever is the situation today.
but we surely have another sunrise to see,
waiting for that day, I will pass another day.

The Bitch who tried to bite me...

so it started a normal day at work..finding the best chair among the vacant ones and also the best telephone instrument from the desk of those who hasn't come yet. I arranged the chair and when i reach for phone then a bitch bit me. Telling me about the rules and morality inside the office. I picked up the phone of one unoccupied desk and there she interfered with her bitchy tongue. Asking me if that is mine?..what!..what is MINE?..Everyday i come to the office i see my own phone missing..and same with all the fellas AND BTW about which rules and morality was she talking about. I don't give a shit to the arguments of girls. I could have replied well without yelling absurd but then it would directly hurt the ego of her and ,by trends, since girls are always unlucky for me, so i controlled my tongue, stared at her, gave an eye and moved back to my seat.  I have just three days left in this company and don't want to get into any controversial EXIT.

Beauty & the Bitch

So far I have gone a quarter century old,
not old enough to make a statement of perfection,
but old enough to involve in any accusation.

to be sit on....my mind is fucked up..#$#%$%^%&%^@$#@

To all Bitches......

My next poetry post would be for the bitches who left the guys and gives excuse that they are more practical in terms of relations...My friend has recently suffered to-be-breakup and this is dedicated to the bitches kinda her who are in the trend of this so called move-on thing....its gonna be only shit a i m more than angry..but not hurt.......

Do we have any right to be a citizen???????

I dont know when was the last time when i felt a proud feeling of being a citizen of India...and today i have lost more faith in the system and on this nation.

I have a kind of rebel atitude towards most of the things. I m not perfect but like others i strive for that and most of the times bark for a reason. Difference between me and others such billions mouths?..i bite, not just bark>>>>

now lets me share the incident which i witnessed today, nothing strange here in India but meant a lot to me..

here it goes...

I was travelling in the Govt bus DTC(Delhi Transport Corporation) and as my habit i didnt pay for the ticket. I will give my reason later. Now my when i reached at my stand, i came out of the bus. and was walking for my offfice. Then another bus came and it was too due to some barriers put on the road my our police. And the gate was open so i could hear what was going inside the bus and I thought for once to board the bus for one more stand but then dropped that thought as i could see a strict conductor arguing with one passenger. Now he was shouting at something. Bus was slow so i heard that he was arguing with that passenger about fare. his voice got much louder and revealed the whole story. that passenger was ready to par for fare but he had a torn currency note and that was the only money he got with him. conductor asked to get out of the bus. He said he has to reach somwhere and he has no option but to keep travelling. then as usual it voices got louder and a hand came flying in the air slapping the face, thrice. the hand was of conductor and face was of poor democratic indian passenger. then slang language came into action  and war of words started. then finally  he overpowered the passenger and throw him out of the bus by kicking his ass, literally. 

now...i dont care how many slaps that passenger received from that conductor..and if they shoul dhave behve properly of handled the situation well..what i care about is..doesn't a citizen who is empty pocket, have the right to enjoy the public services?

i travel in buses and pay the fare only if the conductor ask for, else i dont care about penalty or anything. its not abot money, its about enjoying the rights which are our just beacuause we pay all the taxes to live in this country, maybe not directly but in passive manner. we pay tax to govt. even when we buy the basic commodities like milk or a chocolate. at every step whenever we shell out money out of the pocket to buy something then some part of it goes to govt. and doing this for whole life but we still dont have a right to enjoy free ride when we neeed it. I m not advocating for free rides.. but i m advocating for some space and relaxations which can be given to us for being a citizen or tax payer. we get penalized if we pay the electricity or water bills late. but our govt never get panalized when they dont deliver what they promise during their election campaigns. simply ths nation is running on money.not ethics...and thats not the society to live in..i dont know which is the better society to live in ..on nation...but for now..India is not where i like to born again..i would rather like to born in Somalia or Darfur....i wont mind because they are worst part of earth..and i will face the worst...but whats the use if we boasts of living in the largest democracy, golden bird...bla bla bla..and gets nuts at every step////..

This is my logic behind my India...

Maybe i m late to realize about money...

This is not any rhyme or poem from any angle..but its just the observation which i have made yesterday about money and how much important is it to define our happiness and life


I always had been complaining about why the wrong(bad) people have all the wealth... big cars..big business and more than enough money?...while the good ones are either poor or lead a simple life.They have either enough money or less than enough money but never any kind of surplus. Even if they have the surplus that is meant for a purpose in which they will have to spend that thing..sometimes in wedding ..sometimes in building a home..and sometimes as just a backup for an emergency.


I used to relate that money thing directly to the happiness and quality of life, just like most of us do.


now, i looked at a different angle..if money is the only source of a good life then we have to condemn the god thing, who is believed to control all the happenings..


now if god is really working properly, then money cant be the source of a quality life.


sorry for hurting ur feelings,, but above i related god and money..


now talking like a educated and socially responsible person, I have logic to make..let see if anybody can throw some light on it..


it is said money and wealth is a gift of god, among many such gifts, to the good human being.
Now, we have drawn a rule that God gives the gift of wealth and prosperity to those who does good deeds..now lets see what we actually have..


Most of the prosperity and wealth is concentrated in the hands of those who are not a good human in any sense.


That means the God is not doing his work properly.


if its wrong to say then, maybe their isnt any good thing in wealth and prosperity.


now if that is correct then, we are stupid to run after wealth and prosperity in our whole life.


but if that wasnt correct then we dont know the meaning of wealth and prosperity and that also says we are stupid to run after wealth and prosperity in our whole life.


if all these are senseless things then that means we dont have actually any sense to judge good and bad for that  also somebody needs to throw some light on this..


to be continued.......

Its Ur Day.....

dedicated to the girl..who just entered in my life..changed me..positively...and became a part which i have to forget...anyway ,,its her birthday tomorrow...so just giving her a hug through this..and thanking her for everything...






Its ur Day!

Counting down every moment, i've reached this day,

not sunday, not monday, baba its your birthday.

       Everybody wants to be special for some moments,

       & its my pleasure to give you such treatment.

more than a quarter century has already passed through,

since the day your parents got blessed as they got you.

        we must learn about someone before we start praising them,

        & here i don't know about you, so preferred to skip that research.

much I cant say but a few lines of appreciation,

that in a small time you have filled me with aspirations.

         I used to fly above the clouds to nowhere,

         thanks for letting me see beneath those layers.

I imagined the most beautiful dreams I  never seen,

thanks for showing me the efforts i put on for them.

         I have been dwelling with the friends since past quarter,

         but you are no less the way you showed me care.

you can't observe how you have changed me from within,

its not about confusion but about the influence i experienced.

        the paper is long and words are numerous,

        and would be stupid of me to make you read more.

you have this day and moments with you, to feel your importance,

& i dont want to see you wasting it while reading some novel.

        though me and the almighty lord have some issues to settle,

        but he can surely make some space to hear  my wish for you.

wishing you a great day and grand life,

hope you wake up every morning with a smile,

& grind your day with your efforts for your dreams,

and going to bed with that sweet tiredness of relief..

HAPPY BIRHTDAY TO YOU!

Unconventional...

How soon can it happen?

you throw all your sentiments before someone.

how easily can you trust those eyes?

and ready to give your  everything for just one smile.

 why don’t  you want to bargain for offering a favor?

even when you are in the worst state to offer.

So many questions kept hitting my small logic planet,

but never found anything but a reason called satisfaction.

i m not sure if that explains my all those acts of stupidity,

when i start hitting on someone before doing some formalities.

I won’t call it “an again” if i go by the convention,

its rather the first time when i directly comes to the action.

no present no past for me it was just a straight question.

allow me to enter in your life, as you have already been into mine.

This is the first time i never wonder why i stopped on her,

she is the hybrid of every quality i looked in my past affairs.

unlike past, i don’t emphasize on making her mine,

rather i just want to leave an impact in her life.

True to myself, i don’t believe her for what she acts,

doesn’t matter, i don’t think of sticking her to my heart,

it’s the dream which i want to be in for a short duration,

don’t know why but this all seems to be the finest decision.

Expectations are what i always had seeded before anything,

remember i have fathered 100 kids and homes with all those pretties.

and unconventionally,  i forgot even to imagine a kiss with her,

with no exchange, forwarding her a genuine hand to offer a favor.

I “Thankyou Lord” for giving me this beautiful chance,

 to be able to avoid someone who seems perfect in every sense.

i wish if you could give her what she aspires and sent her away,

and in the end  “Fuck-you Lord” for making me such insane.

I dont want but I do....

This is dedicated to the one who is all over my mind, maybe also in heart, but right now she is troubling my mind as i havent been able to throw her out from there. I dont want to , even she doesnt want to, but i still do , i miss you :(


eyes open and again I am standing on the stairs,
i know i have crossed these lines many 100 times,
today i am freezed at the door with some thoughts,
nothing else but could only stare at the door.

once for me there was a life behind that gate,
a world which could be the heaven on the earth.
where i never imagined anything but affection.
and a bed of grass under a shed full of comfort.

the morning would be sparkling like her eyes,
i would be the first to wake up while she sleeps,
starting the day by staring at that innocent face,
and touching her lips as the morning dew on the leaves.

i imagined her to stay at home and cook for me,
while i go to work and earn some money for meal,
giving her every reaon to keep a smile on her lips,
nothing in return i would have asked but just a kiss.

thats is the life which was once a inspiration,
for which i  tried hard everything to make that happen.
broke the rules violates the limits and went too far,
too far to achieve what seemed possible and near.

i am not born to change the destiny but i tried,
and pushed everything much harder even after i realize,
in between that i had become the only reason,
for breaking and hurting evrything which seemed dear.

i always advocate to make memories of  all times,
this time the good memories haunt my breath,
while i cherish a little smile which i found in years,
i look behind and find myself standing on the stairs.

I wish i could erase her from every page of my diary,
but then that diary would be nothing a blank life,
even those happy moments bring tears to these eyes,
remembering the death of my world, my soul cries.

next moment i indulge myself into weaving a new world,
to get far away from that burnt and dead one,
i start from the sky and end up on earth with her.
so again it bring back the ghosts of my loved culture.

i can do every possible act on this planet except one,
to erase you from those memories which i have earned,
though they are a slow poison killing me every second,
but i know one kiss of you can bring me back that world.

Walking till Glory..

Walking across the road with dejected face,
rugged shoulders & a shirt full of stains,

Easy to match the emotions with the attire,
days ago they were young, bright  & containing fire. 

I looked like loser but unlike, I wanted the truth,
the truth which lead me away from the road I chased.

While questioning myself, i heard a sound,
the sparrows chirping in the sky over my head.

More than a sound, it appeared as an answer to me,
to those questions which had been pinching me.

In the next moment the sun appeared much brighter,
seems like its morning but realized its the sunset.

Hours later I saw my half-dead plants started smiling,
and that again brought some more light to my senses.

I went to mirror and saw same face with different glow,
couldnt find the reason as I didnt get any news to follow.

Hard to imagine how I forgot the pain and misery,
just because of some signs that brought back me life.

Thanks to that strict manager whom we call "GOD",
giving us enough inspiration to stand again and rise to prosper.

Now I feel again the temptation to taste the success,
and I see that palace in a desert of aspirations.

I heard people calling it a mirage which is just an illusion,
but to me its not a mirage as I am committed to touch it,

And hundred reasons i have been given to justify the diversion,
but again, lightning that dim glow of hope i have marched on.

Dont want this dream to be true...

IT has been a while since I created mess here last time. Now what takes me today here at this unmanaged poor kingdom of mine?

I barely have good sleep nowadays. And I don’t remember when I wake up with a smile and hope on my face.  I sleep too much but haven’t taken any quality sleep since a long time. Maybe good dreams are made during the imaginative peace of night. And since I have become an owl so its rare to see any night sleep except on weekends when I am in the arms of rum or some vodka….

Now today, I woke up and felt bit sad but lucky!

I have a strange illusion while sleeping. I felt as if my whole life has been summarized in one whole movie of about 15 minutes(I can’t say anything about the duration of that illusion). I saw myself in the worst phase and it appears that it is the conclusion of my life. A person indulge with many things in whole life and many relations, greets many people and turned off by some of them, turned on by some of them and let alone by most of them, so as a whole every person has some effect on our life whom we ever met in our life.

So I was surrounded with most of the people who has influenced my life, my father, my teacher, friends and many people I can’t recall all of the faces now. So I was in a place which looks like the one in which I always wanted to live. Having the fields of my own village and old friends from there.  I don’t know what was that thing which made me to scream at my father and some other people. I was screaming like if it’s the end of my life, like if they have snatched my most loved things from me. I was walking towards those people, screaming, throwing away everything I had in pockets, money, my belts, my shirt. It was like if I wanted to express my grief to the world who has taken away something valuable from me. And walking to the fields where my friends were doing the farming in the fields. It is my love so I tried to give them a hand and asked if they have heard any scream from the valley, no, they said. So I remain silent while thinking about that thing in my mind.

Now I return to the valley and everybody was sleeping in a room while I was lying and thinking about the mess I have created. I could feel the feeling I had at that moment. I was like a person who has lost everything and don’t care about next as he has nothing left to lose. So I was lying on the bed and a friend was trying to talk to me. Asking me now what I am gonna do. He was the younger brother of my teacher who has contributed a lot in my life both in negative and positive manner. So I had a big cellular phone in my hand and thinking about whom to call…and thinking about something which I can’t recall…

It was a dark night. I couldn’t see any light coming from the outside. It was bit cold like the sweet cold in the early morning of falling winter. And then I heard the sound of a vehicle stopped by our door. And don’t know how I knew that they were from some mental hospital who just came to take me away. At that moment I felt that life I finished, though it already appeared to me. A woman knocked on the door and my friend asked her what she wants. She said that, sorry i forgot what she said. And I told her that don’t worry I know that she was here to take me to some mental hospital. I didn’t panic but I knew that I cant stop it and nor I cared about that. I was free flow.

 I went outside. The vehicle was standing there. And there were the guards with chains in their hands. I smile and told them to take it easy. I had some grief within me so before moving in I screamed and cried jus to take every emotion out of myself. And then I sit in the front and asked for a cigarette from that girl. She said that why they are sending me to that place as I seemed ok. I just told her that maybe this world has enough of me. And I woke up.