As Usual...

She knows how much I am obsessed with her. And I know she doesnt like me. sometimes just for hope i mean 1 in 1000 times I feel she has some feelings for me(THAT'S MY RIGHT TO THINK)...I know we are just opposite. We have different tastes. We shared a very good bonding in the beginning but I think that was just general taste which is common to most of the general people. Then as the time passed on we faced the things in which we had very different opinion but that wasn't reason behind our fights and confusions and most of the times I was on the wrong side. MOREOVER, I see myself as no match to her personality though I don't believe in the importance of looks but on this part I would contradict myself.

We are separated by communication and time. She is always busy with her work, just like any common worker, while I am always free to disturb her, doesn't matter how much busy I am. Thats my obsession with her. She doesnt talk to me unless she is busy or on good mood and that angers me a lot. But I am really stupid to expect the same behaviour from her. She is not bound to behave the way I want. She has her life, her time, her likes and dislikes and nobody can interfere on that and tell her what and how to do. But just like a dog's tail i try to do all these everytime I talk to her..dont know WHYYYYYYY

so we are talking again, and again it started like nothing had happened before. I know it would be shotlived as again we will get a reason to have argument which will initaite me to get hysterics and then disturb her a lot and then try to forget her and while doing that i make some promise which I will never keep. Why does this happen..why we cant be like two good talking people..why is it that when it comes to her i cant control myself. I do something which I know that it would definitely anger her and then beg from forgiveness from her. WHYYYYYYY

This time we  talked for just one day, then she got busy...and when she got free I spoiled her mood by doing what she doesnt like. Then she gave a half statement but not any reason behind that..she always have this habit. That turned me curious..and I felt that I started showing the symptoms of being hysteric again...anyway..its not over yet..I hope I divert myself to some better work..maybe my studies..WILL SEE..AS USUAL

Sorry father...I let u down ...again.

This is  dedicated to my father...whom i respect and love a lot but we never shared a good chemistry and dialogues. We both are alike when it come to attitude..and completely opposite when it comes to views.


recently I have shown a behaviour which I couldn't control but I think that mustn't be expected in such relation. 




Sorry Papa...


I remember many moments which I could control,
and its like plucking a flower which cant be restored,
not blaming you, I am the only one who is responsible,


Not too good we talked ever since the beginning,
still you cared about me the best way it could be,
but I never gave you much reasons to feel proud of me.


I know how you attached your dream with me,
to see me shinning someday holding your name,
so far it seems I have failed you and all your efforts.


Wanted to confess to you something I never did,
about your expectations, I always knew,
but something turned me selfish to forget it.


Master for others and amateur for you,
but I cant walk on the path away from you,
accept me with my failures and give me chance.


I know its still time to turn the things around,
I can fight for what you dreamt me to become,
only if you keep alive your confidence and hope.


I never looked at your pocket for myself,
just need  around me the warmth of those arms,
while you say "son, lets bygones be bygones".

And I fall again....

This is for my latest attempt to get in talk with her...I didn't want to ..she was there..and i tried hard to ignore her...get myself engaged in some thing..but again my sensed took me to her..and i tried talking to her. and again i end up as a frustrated dog trying to climb a pole.....





All the reasons were there with me,
not a single one was in favor of this,
but how can i turn my back to my destiny,
so for now it seems like a far away galaxy.


those shinning curls took my eyes to you,
and I know its not the direction where i view,
there came desires and some arguments,
finally ignoring all the arguments, heart ruled.


With usual optimistic steps I marched towards,
with empty hands, I didnt have anything to present,
but a small hope and will to see her again,
took me away from backyard to her front.


continuing the trend she was a silent beauty,
while I was like a barking stalker without dignity,
and within few moments it turned to agony,
showed me the way back to the backyard.


realizing that arguments were right again,
the reasons from the heart were just lame,
it feels if I fell from the sky I tried to climb again.
its not far, just separated by a gap of a conversation.

I am sorry papa....

Not so many things can hurt me that much deep. but some of my own actions let me down. I always love and respect my parents but I think my ego or attitude has impacted me this time. Its not a very uncommon thing when my parent yell at me because of my job. I know I have broken their dreams. I wont go into the detail. But I am sole responsible for the condition in which I am living today. But I am still in the fight to prove myself right and get things on track so that my parent would feel proud of me someday soon.


Yesterday was a usual day, and when I returned back to home, my father was sitting with his laptop and ready to fire at me because of a little mistake-cum-confusion. He yelled at me in his usual way. But dont know what drove me that much crazy that I got ready to move out of the house permanently. I told my sister to find me a bag and then she told it to ma. Then started the family drama. I was stonecold for the whole time. Tears were on the flow(not mine). My father was hearing everything but he acted if he didnt hear anything. So moments later I settled down and was sitting on sofa. Father came from the room and told me what happened. Nobody said anything. Then he yelled at me for leaving the home. AND THATS IT.


Then I again started thinking about all the things and realized that for the whole time. He never told me to leave the home. He knew that I wanted to leave the home but he didnt said anything about that. And while I was arguing with my Ma and sister in the room, he was all silent. It was like that he didnt want to see himself stopping me from leaving the house though he want to do that. My father is a proud man just like any proud person. He has made his status by his own hard work and a MAN character, I never seen him bending on knees in front of someone for anything. And this time also, he couldnt though he wanted to. Next day, he asked my sister if he said anything wrong which urged me to take that action. That means a lot to me. I never saw my father regretting about his actions but today he was on doubt. That make to feel shame on myself. I am not a good person, but I never thought about being a bad son. 


We never share feelings...we never open our hearts but only when we are angry.


So papa I am sorry for behaving like an asshole, and I would not repeat that again, And I will look forward to make you feel proud of me.  Someday soon.....

Continued...about all of that money and life thing...

I think its over two months since I wrote that bullshit about money, wealth, god, life and such things. I dont get many visitors here and those few also I think never take such thing seriously. Anyway, I again went through the whole post and felt that today still I have same view ..so for now I am good as there is nobody to propose a light over the matter. I dont want to be superior but such discussions open our mind to life and its aspects and the role of God in our life. So I am still waiting for one such healthy discussion(not debate)...Are you the one?

100 days since you....

Nothing has changed the way we thought it should have,
maybe not enough brave I am, to look for some change,
and after hundred days I am sitting in the same bench.


So many times we fought to come over my emotions,
and its strange how that has become your problem,
and the way we applied the logics to bring back the wisdom.


Sky is still there, while clouds come and disappear,
the way I am still here while people come and go,
even tried but couldnt find someone having ur shadow.


I have been passing the days trying to be insane,
to forget everything which connects me and you,
and I am not sure till when I could continue.


Sometimes I try to forget you look for porn,
and sometimes I try to find a way back to you,
never been so confused so concrete about something.


100 reason I have given myself to curse you,
while 1000 came along to curse myself for everything,
but no reason I found to quit the way we were used to be.


The present is not perfect but past inspires me a lot,
so many times we fight and tried to quit each other,
even after several "OFFS" something bring back us "ON"


This time again we have make a promise to quit,
and so far i have kept it well to break in future,
by nature I never hesitate to break such things,


Its hard to give excuse when things are clear,
and I always looked for those to have a chance,
to have some moments and control them forever.


Not optimistic from your side, I will count on my luck,
tomorrow itself we may encounter each other somewhere,
hope and walk, living with a promise to bear.


Maybe whatever is the situation today.
but we surely have another sunrise to see,
waiting for that day, I will pass another day.