Just one among the crowd

I always complain about certain things in society which are just unacceptable to me. Not just me but to every common man and I used to separate myself from that crowd of a common man by trying to get involved in the things at least if they occur in front of my eyes. Never ever i done that..just thought.

Today just one hour back I was on the way to somewhere when I saw the van of the police. Though these assholes can be seen anywhere roaming around the wine shop and parks. Well, if it is in a residential area then its really a big deal and so it was a matter of curiosity as that area was also residential. People love doing this, giving their ears at least to the incident tha happens around these uniformed dogs. But here many got a relief from their work just for witnessing the things which must be a shame on any society, The policeman was holding the hand of a kid maybe around 9-10 years old. He was dark but the tears and fear has changed that color to bit red. He might have tried to steal from those apartment, maybe bicycle or clothes.

But that boy was caught and handed over to police. And the police might call up the parents else will held him inside the locker for few days as it was a registered case. Was that the best solution for the case and that kid?
everybody feel no. me too..but what we have done for that no..nothing?..yeah right..nothing..

so I again got the feeling that I am no more the person I used to be, less i used to try earlier, But there i was just among those head and ears who just wanted to be updated about the incident so that they can share that with 100 other ears.

That kid is just one of the millions kid who dont have access to schools or basic facilities which deprive them of their childhood and for the survival they are left with no choice but steal as thats the most easy way and they dont know the value of hard work. But how can we blame them for having kn sense about such moral if they dont have access to schools and education..no way..they will pass their childhood collecting the empty wine bottles and stealing.

Gotta stop it..I know how..but i m dead to act..

I'AM SO LOST WITHOUT YOU....

Dedicated to her...iHOPE SHE FORGIVE ME...AGAIN!

The most idle time I have ever spent....I QUIT

Usually people ask me how am I doing, I just tell them its good...and when they say what are you doing,,I say I am working "hard" these days and the things will get better soon. Honestly speaking, last two months have been the worst part of my life as I did nothing to change something the way my life is. Even then i say that I am trying hard and to her also. 

In past two years I have done too much hard work, thats true, but some wronf decisions and badluck didnt let the things happen the way we expected. It happens usually and I accept that thing but I have a satisfaction that I did try hard in those opposite times. Now in the last two years I feel like a rock sitting at the top of a cliff which is immovable by itself and also nobody is there to move or displace it. yeah,  i have been jogging well and that has given me relief n terms of physical aspect. It seems, I have lost the power and will to work hard, maybe becaue of the failures and it show how weak I am, failure is a part of everybody's life  but I feel, i 

have already said "I QUIT" to life. and frankly speaking I see no more that 2 years, in fact even not 2 years completely in the future. I dont know why i feel so sick, so much down and being useless.  

anyway, I have planned a visit to her place(not with her), and hope I could make the fund for that tour.

Am I wrong?....Yes I am....

I don't have many visitors here, but i don't care about that, but in case if there is any regular visitor than he or she might be thinking what kind of rollercoatser is my mind...

Yeah, I think too much, she said and I also feel. Maybe i try to look at the different angles to judge myself and my thoughts. In general cases this"angle analysis" is the responsibility of every person other than you. You just do sometime and hundred minds start working analyzing your act. 100 minds 100 angles, but a single act.

In my case, One mind, 100 acts for a situation and 100 angles for every act.. ..that goes something like this 1x100x100....mathematically, which doesn't have any logic.

Now what happened this time...?

Yesterday suddenly a thought came in my mind....as usuall..about her..

but this time it was in her favor..moreover against myself,,.

How can we impose out feelings and thus the aspirations associated with them on someone's life?

Stupid..yeah I am...no doubt on that..I always said that I love her and she is the last girl with whom I have ever wanted to have a life under one roof..2-3 little beautiful kids..a simple job..a small farm, a small car..a wineyard..and some cows....something like that...Anyway the truth is SHE DOESNT WANT ME IN HER LIFE AS A PARTNER. I know that honestly, and she has told me many times, I accept that but then I ignore that as I impose my feelings on her. I still want to give a try against her wish. It seems I want to mold her life that way I want it to be. Maybe she has some simple dreams or some European luxury in her mind but I dont care about that and want to give her a life the way I want. This is totally a selfish aspect of my feelings for her. I dont remember if I have ever tried to impose my feelings or decision on someone. oh yeah,,I do..Once when  I was the monitor of my class during my college days, I imposed a decision on my classmates and got ignorance as backlash, even those people really loved me. whatever...

Doesn't matter if my feelings are true or not..The way I want to go against her wish and try for whatever dreams i have planted in my mind, it speaks I am selfish to think about only my life, my love, my feelings,,bla bla bla bla....

I think I should wait for her first and then start planting the dreams..till then I am working on something related to her..I know how to keep myself attached and indulged with her(thoughts)

Blind journey.....

This is dedicated to those thoughts of mine who feels that "WE" have a future under one roof. I have nearly accepted the truth but still I dont know why my senses urges me to give it a fight and though even she is totally not into me,

to be continued tomorrow

Another chance....

I read this statement somewhere on FB. it said "There is no second chance if you cant learn from the previous mistakes"

Very strong one- I agree but I am totally against it.
We are humans prone to mistakes we usually commit on the flow of our emotions which are not so easy for anyone to control, especially me!

I know I had many chances from her to not repeat that thing again, but I do repeat that again.

Strongly I feel, and she might have noticed, that I have got better not perfect with the time and every time it happens I turn to be a better person than earlier I used to be. I am not those strong movies guys who can turn around the things overnight. Being a slow distracted person, I am quiet slow on learning the things but I am really committed to be a better person whom she can trust.

I still hope for a revival though she has closed every door for me to return to her. And she never done that, maybe I was too much furious this time, so that means I am also getting too much eccentric with every pass. Hope my assumption is wrong and we  make it again.

she said: "Always have a chance", so I am relying on that and marching on towards her, she was 1000 days away, now its 999 days JUST.

Day First without you..i was nearly dead

I never had such night, the one I had yesterday...I cant explain the sleep and the experiences I had in those 8 hours.

I was senseless,, only she was there in my thoughts and I had an urgent work to do for my client but I wasn't able to concentrate on anything, so went for a therapy called "take a sleep and forget everything". I havent used it since a long time but whenever I used, it helped me very effectively to overcome such situations when I am broken,

So I slept early around 9 pm, with an alarm of 2:00am. and i fell asleep 15 times in just one hours and I was feelig the illussions and dreams I was watching. I couldnt differentiate whats real and whats illussion. And she was there everytwhere in my dreams. I dont see much dreams of her but yesterday it was different, we were talking about what went wrong, she was consoling me while I was laying in her lap. O GOD! MAKE IT HAPPEN >>PLZZZZ..

I heard the alarm on the very first ring, it seems I wasnt sleeping at all. Then I sat on my table and draw few lines bu then again..still I felt her fever, I felt like I was in cage and restless, So i went inside bathroom and took a bath with. It was cold and litle relaxed, then I again i sat on table..and draw few lines,,but couldn't control my mind to see the things beside her..it was like the last day of my life...

i quit and went to bed,,and fighting with the dreams i passed that night...I will never ever forget this day...and so her...

And again.....I fucked myself

At this moment when I am writing this,,,I feel the best way to kill this pain is just to HUG the DEATH.

I would be stupid to do that, how can I die for a girl.

somedays back i wrote that we are talking again, and I felt a fear that I would lose her, and so it has happened again. Really this time, I fucked hard myself. I can see myself going mad and behaving like a current. And again it has proved that she is right to call me a hysteric...true...

its really funny to see the colors of life, today I have got two deals for my startup business. and on the other side I again lost the most precious thing of my life. I really cant afford to win her back again. She was so decent this time. and my fear killed me. Now the time is running hard..i really dont know what to do. How can I make her to be in my life?

I am alive just because of my parents, else this life doesn't interest me anymore.  Many times I imagine my future with her, laughing and smiling ,kissing and making love. But then I realize how is that possible she doesn't have a little bit feeling for me.  I have lost any attraction to money, sex and other affairs.. Thats why most of the time its hard to imagine my future.

I m screwed, though the only way for me is to get over the situation and play for the future and for may family.   but that also doesnt look good to me as she is not there in the picture.

anyway....if u can just suggest me something..Thanks in advance...

Completely Half..

I love that girl but i would never ever let her know that. I will be just her freind forever as she would get hurt and get disturb if she knows about my feelings.-  WHAT THE FUCK! is that...

I tried hard..so many times with her...in my case..she knows that I have sort of shit called love for her..This time as I said that everything had been good till I fake that I am a very good friend of her. I know I am not the only one who is facing such situation, but i really dont know how they control their emotions especially when that person is the only love of ur life(beside ur family)..oh god..i fee like crap when i get so emotional..

now, this one is I have written just the night before getting hysteric this time...not actually hysteric..but we usually call this situation when the things get out of hand....

Completely half…..

Just few hours ago there was some life around,

Indulging with smiles, jokes and thoughts of each other,

Apparently it doesn’t take long to feel the death now.

Even we don’t share the best we had for each other,

Anyway, magic works and so we continue to flourish,

Seconds, minutes or hours can’t quantify those moments.

Even I feel satisfaction for whatever I have from her,

It would be faking if I express my happiness as pure,

Yeah, there is a price I pay to have this time with her.

While with her, it’s not completely me and my thoughts,

They are just half of what I am and what I feel for her,

Smiling from the surface, my other half cries from beneath.

So what if I live by keeping aside the half of what I have,

And I never care about the things which only disturbs her,

Even if I pretend with that smile, I surely miss my half.

And sometimes, he comes out from somewhere in front,

And there he shows what I am and what I want from her,

Creates the chaos, and shatter everything within moments.

I don’t know what to call him, and how can I name myself,

As she is the one who suffers most because of him,

So going through the nature of a mad wave, she calls him hysteric.

Being a problem, I can’t find a solution but only death,

But she has done what I couldn’t expect from any person,

As she has got used to, she knows how to calm him down.

At the moment its me and my other half altogether,

I thank her for being with me in those hard times,

Even I couldn’t bear myself, she bears me as a whole. 

If tomorrow comes.

As a confused person I cant expect anything from myself. While enjoying the best days of my I have found a way to screw it. I know how to create mess of anything beautiful going on. And again for now, I am on the way t o do that just the way I have done in the past but I will try my best to not let it happen by my own.

I have her friendship, her time, her company, so what the fuck I need from her. FUCK??..NO!!!!

This time my sentiments have promoted themselves in term of cause...that says they have become more matured and now care for much bigger things. They don't care about shit called LOVE..SEX...FUTURE..and other such stupid things..The only thing I care is her. I care about the way we are. We are talking, I am happy and want to remain same. Future is unpredictable, I hope it is far better than today,, but what if we don't have anything in future...?.. that's what bite my ass constantly..I dont want to lose her...I want best for her..and if her best is to get apart from me..then FUCK the destiny..I ACCEPT THAT!

Summer Again....

I really dont understand how these situations changes..so many up and downs I see in a single day....sometimes I feel god is playing only with me.... few days ago I felt that I have lost her forever..but then again my hysteric nature took me to disturb her again..and this time luckily i found her in good mood..she retracted that she needs peace in her life..and I feel..like every person has some issues to deal with in their personal life according to the priorities and in her case I created a lot problem for her.

If I have those feelings for her..then its my own problem and she has nothing to do with that...so why should i bother her for each and every emotion I undergo just because I am in love with her...

Anyway..this time its different the way we are talking..its just like the old times...I love this time...I really don't expect her to behave the way I want her to be..but she is just like  her own..as I have found my mistakes which i have been committing each and every time that brought bitterness in our relation....I hate this love thing..I just want her to be  happy and smiling..(with me)))))..

For now...for me..its summer again..and till now I m really doing good..she has always been good...and I hope I wont create any mess this time..and leave everything on god without any expectations but HOPE.