And again.....I fucked myself

At this moment when I am writing this,,,I feel the best way to kill this pain is just to HUG the DEATH.

I would be stupid to do that, how can I die for a girl.

somedays back i wrote that we are talking again, and I felt a fear that I would lose her, and so it has happened again. Really this time, I fucked hard myself. I can see myself going mad and behaving like a current. And again it has proved that she is right to call me a hysteric...true...

its really funny to see the colors of life, today I have got two deals for my startup business. and on the other side I again lost the most precious thing of my life. I really cant afford to win her back again. She was so decent this time. and my fear killed me. Now the time is running hard..i really dont know what to do. How can I make her to be in my life?

I am alive just because of my parents, else this life doesn't interest me anymore.  Many times I imagine my future with her, laughing and smiling ,kissing and making love. But then I realize how is that possible she doesn't have a little bit feeling for me.  I have lost any attraction to money, sex and other affairs.. Thats why most of the time its hard to imagine my future.

I m screwed, though the only way for me is to get over the situation and play for the future and for may family.   but that also doesnt look good to me as she is not there in the picture.

anyway....if u can just suggest me something..Thanks in advance...