Blind journey.....

This is dedicated to those thoughts of mine who feels that "WE" have a future under one roof. I have nearly accepted the truth but still I dont know why my senses urges me to give it a fight and though even she is totally not into me,

to be continued tomorrow

Another chance....

I read this statement somewhere on FB. it said "There is no second chance if you cant learn from the previous mistakes"

Very strong one- I agree but I am totally against it.
We are humans prone to mistakes we usually commit on the flow of our emotions which are not so easy for anyone to control, especially me!

I know I had many chances from her to not repeat that thing again, but I do repeat that again.

Strongly I feel, and she might have noticed, that I have got better not perfect with the time and every time it happens I turn to be a better person than earlier I used to be. I am not those strong movies guys who can turn around the things overnight. Being a slow distracted person, I am quiet slow on learning the things but I am really committed to be a better person whom she can trust.

I still hope for a revival though she has closed every door for me to return to her. And she never done that, maybe I was too much furious this time, so that means I am also getting too much eccentric with every pass. Hope my assumption is wrong and we  make it again.

she said: "Always have a chance", so I am relying on that and marching on towards her, she was 1000 days away, now its 999 days JUST.

Day First without you..i was nearly dead

I never had such night, the one I had yesterday...I cant explain the sleep and the experiences I had in those 8 hours.

I was senseless,, only she was there in my thoughts and I had an urgent work to do for my client but I wasn't able to concentrate on anything, so went for a therapy called "take a sleep and forget everything". I havent used it since a long time but whenever I used, it helped me very effectively to overcome such situations when I am broken,

So I slept early around 9 pm, with an alarm of 2:00am. and i fell asleep 15 times in just one hours and I was feelig the illussions and dreams I was watching. I couldnt differentiate whats real and whats illussion. And she was there everytwhere in my dreams. I dont see much dreams of her but yesterday it was different, we were talking about what went wrong, she was consoling me while I was laying in her lap. O GOD! MAKE IT HAPPEN >>PLZZZZ..

I heard the alarm on the very first ring, it seems I wasnt sleeping at all. Then I sat on my table and draw few lines bu then again..still I felt her fever, I felt like I was in cage and restless, So i went inside bathroom and took a bath with. It was cold and litle relaxed, then I again i sat on table..and draw few lines,,but couldn't control my mind to see the things beside her..it was like the last day of my life...

i quit and went to bed,,and fighting with the dreams i passed that night...I will never ever forget this day...and so her...

And again.....I fucked myself

At this moment when I am writing this,,,I feel the best way to kill this pain is just to HUG the DEATH.

I would be stupid to do that, how can I die for a girl.

somedays back i wrote that we are talking again, and I felt a fear that I would lose her, and so it has happened again. Really this time, I fucked hard myself. I can see myself going mad and behaving like a current. And again it has proved that she is right to call me a hysteric...true...

its really funny to see the colors of life, today I have got two deals for my startup business. and on the other side I again lost the most precious thing of my life. I really cant afford to win her back again. She was so decent this time. and my fear killed me. Now the time is running hard..i really dont know what to do. How can I make her to be in my life?

I am alive just because of my parents, else this life doesn't interest me anymore.  Many times I imagine my future with her, laughing and smiling ,kissing and making love. But then I realize how is that possible she doesn't have a little bit feeling for me.  I have lost any attraction to money, sex and other affairs.. Thats why most of the time its hard to imagine my future.

I m screwed, though the only way for me is to get over the situation and play for the future and for may family.   but that also doesnt look good to me as she is not there in the picture.

anyway....if u can just suggest me something..Thanks in advance...

Completely Half..

I love that girl but i would never ever let her know that. I will be just her freind forever as she would get hurt and get disturb if she knows about my feelings.-  WHAT THE FUCK! is that...

I tried hard..so many times with her...in my case..she knows that I have sort of shit called love for her..This time as I said that everything had been good till I fake that I am a very good friend of her. I know I am not the only one who is facing such situation, but i really dont know how they control their emotions especially when that person is the only love of ur life(beside ur family)..oh god..i fee like crap when i get so emotional..

now, this one is I have written just the night before getting hysteric this time...not actually hysteric..but we usually call this situation when the things get out of hand....

Completely half…..

Just few hours ago there was some life around,

Indulging with smiles, jokes and thoughts of each other,

Apparently it doesn’t take long to feel the death now.

Even we don’t share the best we had for each other,

Anyway, magic works and so we continue to flourish,

Seconds, minutes or hours can’t quantify those moments.

Even I feel satisfaction for whatever I have from her,

It would be faking if I express my happiness as pure,

Yeah, there is a price I pay to have this time with her.

While with her, it’s not completely me and my thoughts,

They are just half of what I am and what I feel for her,

Smiling from the surface, my other half cries from beneath.

So what if I live by keeping aside the half of what I have,

And I never care about the things which only disturbs her,

Even if I pretend with that smile, I surely miss my half.

And sometimes, he comes out from somewhere in front,

And there he shows what I am and what I want from her,

Creates the chaos, and shatter everything within moments.

I don’t know what to call him, and how can I name myself,

As she is the one who suffers most because of him,

So going through the nature of a mad wave, she calls him hysteric.

Being a problem, I can’t find a solution but only death,

But she has done what I couldn’t expect from any person,

As she has got used to, she knows how to calm him down.

At the moment its me and my other half altogether,

I thank her for being with me in those hard times,

Even I couldn’t bear myself, she bears me as a whole. 

If tomorrow comes.

As a confused person I cant expect anything from myself. While enjoying the best days of my I have found a way to screw it. I know how to create mess of anything beautiful going on. And again for now, I am on the way t o do that just the way I have done in the past but I will try my best to not let it happen by my own.

I have her friendship, her time, her company, so what the fuck I need from her. FUCK??..NO!!!!

This time my sentiments have promoted themselves in term of cause...that says they have become more matured and now care for much bigger things. They don't care about shit called LOVE..SEX...FUTURE..and other such stupid things..The only thing I care is her. I care about the way we are. We are talking, I am happy and want to remain same. Future is unpredictable, I hope it is far better than today,, but what if we don't have anything in future...?.. that's what bite my ass constantly..I dont want to lose her...I want best for her..and if her best is to get apart from me..then FUCK the destiny..I ACCEPT THAT!

Summer Again....

I really dont understand how these situations changes..so many up and downs I see in a single day....sometimes I feel god is playing only with me.... few days ago I felt that I have lost her forever..but then again my hysteric nature took me to disturb her again..and this time luckily i found her in good mood..she retracted that she needs peace in her life..and I feel..like every person has some issues to deal with in their personal life according to the priorities and in her case I created a lot problem for her.

If I have those feelings for her..then its my own problem and she has nothing to do with that...so why should i bother her for each and every emotion I undergo just because I am in love with her...

Anyway..this time its different the way we are talking..its just like the old times...I love this time...I really don't expect her to behave the way I want her to be..but she is just like  her own..as I have found my mistakes which i have been committing each and every time that brought bitterness in our relation....I hate this love thing..I just want her to be  happy and smiling..(with me)))))..

For now...for me..its summer again..and till now I m really doing good..she has always been good...and I hope I wont create any mess this time..and leave everything on god without any expectations but HOPE.