Dont want this dream to be true...

IT has been a while since I created mess here last time. Now what takes me today here at this unmanaged poor kingdom of mine?

I barely have good sleep nowadays. And I don’t remember when I wake up with a smile and hope on my face.  I sleep too much but haven’t taken any quality sleep since a long time. Maybe good dreams are made during the imaginative peace of night. And since I have become an owl so its rare to see any night sleep except on weekends when I am in the arms of rum or some vodka….

Now today, I woke up and felt bit sad but lucky!

I have a strange illusion while sleeping. I felt as if my whole life has been summarized in one whole movie of about 15 minutes(I can’t say anything about the duration of that illusion). I saw myself in the worst phase and it appears that it is the conclusion of my life. A person indulge with many things in whole life and many relations, greets many people and turned off by some of them, turned on by some of them and let alone by most of them, so as a whole every person has some effect on our life whom we ever met in our life.

So I was surrounded with most of the people who has influenced my life, my father, my teacher, friends and many people I can’t recall all of the faces now. So I was in a place which looks like the one in which I always wanted to live. Having the fields of my own village and old friends from there.  I don’t know what was that thing which made me to scream at my father and some other people. I was screaming like if it’s the end of my life, like if they have snatched my most loved things from me. I was walking towards those people, screaming, throwing away everything I had in pockets, money, my belts, my shirt. It was like if I wanted to express my grief to the world who has taken away something valuable from me. And walking to the fields where my friends were doing the farming in the fields. It is my love so I tried to give them a hand and asked if they have heard any scream from the valley, no, they said. So I remain silent while thinking about that thing in my mind.

Now I return to the valley and everybody was sleeping in a room while I was lying and thinking about the mess I have created. I could feel the feeling I had at that moment. I was like a person who has lost everything and don’t care about next as he has nothing left to lose. So I was lying on the bed and a friend was trying to talk to me. Asking me now what I am gonna do. He was the younger brother of my teacher who has contributed a lot in my life both in negative and positive manner. So I had a big cellular phone in my hand and thinking about whom to call…and thinking about something which I can’t recall…

It was a dark night. I couldn’t see any light coming from the outside. It was bit cold like the sweet cold in the early morning of falling winter. And then I heard the sound of a vehicle stopped by our door. And don’t know how I knew that they were from some mental hospital who just came to take me away. At that moment I felt that life I finished, though it already appeared to me. A woman knocked on the door and my friend asked her what she wants. She said that, sorry i forgot what she said. And I told her that don’t worry I know that she was here to take me to some mental hospital. I didn’t panic but I knew that I cant stop it and nor I cared about that. I was free flow.

 I went outside. The vehicle was standing there. And there were the guards with chains in their hands. I smile and told them to take it easy. I had some grief within me so before moving in I screamed and cried jus to take every emotion out of myself. And then I sit in the front and asked for a cigarette from that girl. She said that why they are sending me to that place as I seemed ok. I just told her that maybe this world has enough of me. And I woke up.

This is dedicated the the sucking Manager of the company for whom i have been working for past two months..and she is the first woman whom i have literally uttered the F work  " in mind and with heart"...

Again I look around the room from that heavenly corner,
And see nothing but the different faces of emotions,

One is struggling on a task while the other one has just finished his,
I don’t know why to blame that poor one already under pressure,

But I see someone coming  to him with rage glowing in her eyes.
And the poor fellow has realized his time to face some lashes.

And I am surprised, not because this is the first time with anyone,
But by the way her responses differ for the different situations,

I agree, lashes can’t  be the only response to a mistake,
So how could she make him feel guilty even it wasn’t a mistake,

That’s just one side of a one sided affair, actually I notice other one,
Because I never notice her applauding any slave for when they deserve,

Just look at his neighbor who has just finalized a good deal for her,
I am still waiting for the day when she would applaud for good.

I think she has decided to reward everyone in some Grand function,
Perhaps, sometimes I think the impossible things to ever happen.

Oh, accidently I strike the right chord and I solved the case,
And the way everything goes and I think we were hired as slaves.

Sorry to the lady for whom I have been yelling venom for a while,
And thanks for giving a chance to live a civilized life.

Or else we would have been living to die as an unfortunate one,
As the one who hasn’t tasted the free coffee of your machine.

I support your movement to highlight the mistakes,
Because that’s what really deserved by the slaves.

But have u ever thought what happens when a slave is freed?
That would totally be a turn-around for what’s happening now.

we will check, how  u get even that free coffee from our machine,
And punishment would be hard and brutal far from your imagination.

As in your civilized world you haven’t experienced the black times,
Thanks for being born as slave, we know how one wish to die.

That’s what I have concluded after I realized our status,
So let me confirm once again, if you really take us like that?

THE MIRROR

ZERKHALO…

Some days ago he had been living with a lower head,

While the shoulders were still positive and straight,

To others he looked like a injured soldier of a battle.

Giving a sign of being dejected, may be betrayed,

He never yelled anything to anyone about the reason,

But within himself he considered himself as a victim.

Though he was broken from inside but still had some smile,

Because he had gained some sympathy in his own terms,

And gave a tag of cheater to the one he thought as responsible.

But that day changed the way he used to walk with such notions,

When he saw the whole picture with a neutral angle,

And found himself as the guilty who was actually responsible.

That day he woke up with similar thoughts in his mind,

Missing those days with her, recalling her face and smile,

And then recalling how she ruined and betrayed him.

In the washroom he washed his sleepy eyes, which had her image,

And then he gazed into those eyes trying to see that mirage,

That took him into her eyes and into the memories he missed.

But it’s a different vision then he used to have always,

Now he sees himself, just like if he is looking at mirror,

But he can’t see her, but only her hands with him on front.

He can read her mind and can feel her emotions,

As if he has gone inside her and looking by her view,

And then  felt the pain and trouble of her given by him.

The more time passes the more he cried from inside,

The more he became an opponent of his own acts,

and began to hate himself just like she does.

Wait, its her view and everyone has a partial view,

He asked for a neutral view from his own eyes,

To defend himself for the last time, he gave a try.

So the eyes took him out from her going by his will,

Now, in  a frame he could see both of her and himself,

And began the analyses by trying to keep himself up.

Again, the time passed and he started listening them,

Listening what they said, and watching what they did,

At last even after trying to give himself some benefit, he lost.

He cried, punched himself and tried to support her,

But realized that it was too late to stop anything,

he couldn’t  feel his own punch, so how could she feel his sorry.

He didn’t punch him for losing those arguments,

To lose her was his ultimate loss more than his own guilt,

And he cursed himself for being living with the wrong concept.

We often, so easily, took ourselves as a victim,

That we forget to evaluate what we actually did,

So we keep living in a world built by our fake instinct.

And leaving that person to with a guilt feeling,

This was actually our liability to clarify everything,

But we are never ready to play by keeping that ego aside.

Now he has changed the way he used to walk,

And his head matches with his lowered shoulders,

To  others he looks like a soldier who turned away.

Giving a sign of being dejected, but not betrayed,

He never yells anything to anyone about the reason,

But within himself he knows who is the real victim.

THE REASON I DONT KNOW

there is a dim lamp above the clock,
and a body lying on the bed of thorns.
and a thought who will say it last.

the eyes stares & sticks to the dim glow,
he cant feel thorns & suffering anymore.
seems he has forgotten to ask some reasons,
and at last he give up, to live the last part.
in search of a little relief, eyes  recall the past,
where he had seen some good moments.
 and i see.....there is a dim lamp above the clock,
..................


i could see how he went through the years he passed,
once known as the person who brings smiles in crises,
how lucky was he to have those best folks around him,
never asked sky for anything as he already had everything,
till that summer he was inside that aura inside which he flourished,
after which he only lived under the dark blankets of winter.
and i see.....there is a dim lamp above the clock,
..................


he glowed during that summer, from red to a rose,
folks saw him smiling for ever till the winter came.
and then everyone saw that rose turning into a thorn.
nobody thought that its the only season life has for him,
beaten from inside but none has seen him crying ever,
folks doubted if any dark soul captured him from within,
and i see.....there is a dim lamp above the clock,
..................


one time i asked him about the reason behind it,
giving a dented smile he asked me the same,
and i have seen that only question asked by his eyes,
dont know if there is anyone who knows about it,
he only said that the bed is woven by his own hysterics,
& cant blame anyone as he was reponsible for his acts,
and i see.....there is a dim lamp above the clock,
..................


sitting near a window, i hear thunders and snowfall on his premises,
& the naked trees who hasn't seen any sun since those years,
its time to leave him alone and undisturbed in his own thorns,
who knows what can keep that lamp glowing for so long,
but i know what can take him out of his bed and this ice age,
look into his eyes and give him those those reasons to change his way.
and i see.....there is a dim lamp above the clock,
..................

i need help about the title.......

So what have i been doing till now,
roaming in streets, smoking & killing time anyhow.

The most usual notion of everyone who confronts me,
making mockery of my attempts and dreams.

I cant imagine how can they sleep with fake sleep,
limiting their own dreams to just inside sleep.

Only the pals look at the better half of bad time,
offering me a hand to come out of my gold mine.

I will dig this pit till it really becomes a mine,
the time is bad, can be worse and could also be fine.


Questions are always ready to slap my face,
am i suitable, eligible or a just a waste.


How funny is it that i boast of doing impossible,
& i just cant satisfy those curious & criticals.

Not a single statement cant to the justice,
to those who only wait for a failure.

In a bigger picture i see world cheering the achiever,
thats normal but forget, once they started off as a dreamer.

From my perspective, i am not different than achievers,
only thing which separates us is nothing but success.

This funny world is ready to kiss their socks,
and there is only ignorance for even my soft cheeks.

I never wanted to see people praising my own sky,
but i just want to see myself living my own desires.

Crowd even dont respect our sincere efforts,
not perfectly but at least we dared to scratch the path.

Thats always, how the world reacts to you & me,
so why am i told to care about its view,

Why should i stop to pursue my own desires,
those which i designed in my magical sleeps.

Why am i told to limits dream upto just a dream,
for me its not just an entertainment during sleep.

i often laugh on their silly reasons to kill aspirations,
and its strange how one can escape those temptations.


Nothing i care about and want except my pals,
those who only gives support & faithfull opinion.

So, to sleep perfectly on last day of life,
just leave me alone & let me enjoy my time.

BEAUTIFUL LOSS

And again I ended up at a different node,

so usual to get deviated from the initial mood.

It has become so normal to me and my pen,

& there is someone else who is real culprit.

Mind initiate & control thoughts till a give up,

give up to the feelings boiling in my heart.

Days ago I started to draw a bouquet on board,

everything was certain till I started working on rose.

Minutes later I found two eyes between leaves,

and even leaves resembles to someones lips.

Its strange but those were not stranger,

belonged to a story of  a beautiful summer.

So many great beginnings I have ruined,

and mastered to change a wedding into a funeral.

Everything I do, reflects the summary of my life,

started great, goes bad in between, end up in hope.

Thousand time I said, I was never such,

till I burnt myself in grief and remorse.

& that drama runs in my mind for every second,

thinking about giving it a desired climax.

How easy the things would go if we can control,

but how can we neglect the first opinion of  second one.

Thanks to almighty, I don’t have any fan to commit,

burdened to produce a well garnished salad of words.

I would have been facing mockery, lawsuit and criticism,

thanks I never dared to present my salad to any publisher.

I don’t think I can ever overcome this,

It is embedded within me, more than a habit.

I never understand why most cant make it with art,

now I have the subject to study & research.

In my case, there is a loss of concentration,

lost the commitment to study “other” beauty & subjects. 

What makes me to stick on those lips and eyes,

which comes out from stones, flowers and even from ice. 

Any cure, I don’t know and even don’t want any advice

as far as I can see nature and life through those eyes.

DARLING IN A BOTTLE

It took me some busy weeks to weave this one,

Its not about any girl or some imperfection.

This time i try to thank that heavenly fluid,

Helped me whenever i was filled with dead spirit.

Doesn’t matter what’s the mood, low, high or medium,

It was always there, just like a true friend.

Thanks to that ambassador who introduced us ,

Since that day we have became pals forever.

Let me try to recollect those memories,

The flashes are fresh, colorful, though in pieces,

It started on some day, one of the boring ones,

Pals had something like " ginnie in the bottle",

For us it was an experiment with truth,

Heard that people fly while still at ground.

The most disturbing blend i had ever tasted,

Intestine tried to abuse but i won over it,

Then everything changed such, that i cant complain,

Water was never been such electrictrifying and colorful.

Then came the sea of suppressed feelings from eyes,

And i saw a king in everyone, a king like brother.

Spinned, laughed, shocked and cried within next moments,

And never saw the world such beautiful and transparent.

Shelling out every pain and guilt of whole life,

Felt like a new born man in a sea of clear waters.

Like others its a ginnie for me, but only for first,

Now its a darling, lives in a bottle and never irritates.

Those drunk eyes could see the world so clearly,

And a dead world soon turned out to be lively.

Even after closing the eyes i was in rhythm,

It colored us, our dreams and some after hours,

Then sunlight never looked such ugly,

Lightning the day & reflecting the reality.

Life never gives chance to be happy at will,

Who cares now about it, i got my own darling.

Doesnt matter how often my character changes,

Its beauty remains intact and so our relation.

I take it out, kiss & share my sorrows and wisdom,

Never kissed a woman, might be sweetest but not faithful.

Some would say i run from reality, who cares,

At least i try to be real from my own senses.

I never read or tasted any holy shit,

That day i felt some god feeling from within.

I have a family, mentor and freinds enough,

Love u all, "darling" u r not the special one,

Its normal to see faces changing overnight,

Its u,the only thing which gets better with time.

I thank people and their effort to bring me up,

This time, its me and a bottle, and hats off!